Saturday, January 30, 2010

学长 · 歉意

这件事,好像至今都没有多少人知道。知道的就是那四个人--〉学长、章荣和我其中一个室友。
写下来,是不想让自己忘记这件事,更重要的是,想对学长献上我无限的歉意……

那天,你说你喜欢我,真的把我吓得半死。没错,半死中……你知道的,我一直把您当作我的学长,仅此而已。对您的,我只有尊敬。很抱歉对您带来了一些误会,我早应该在您第一次表白时就直接拒绝您,但是我做不到。我认为拒绝一个人是很残忍的,我不想伤害任何一个人,更何况那个人是赏识我的人。

当时的我,很幼稚的认为只要避开您,那么一切事都没有了!当时我不应该那么快下线,应该等章荣救我,间接地也救了您。对于那样的过失,我深感抱歉 >,< 我真的没有想到那样做会让您受第二次的伤……

您或许是认为还有机会吧,才会再次鼓起勇气,向我这懵懂的女孩告白。您说您想有个像我那么漂亮的女生做情侣,但是我真的担当不起!漂亮?我称不上!您不把我当成丑女,我就很开心了。我真的不想伤害您!我已经很婉转的告诉您,世界上还有更多更完美的女生在等着您。世界上不只有我,我真的有太多您不懂的缺点。我很懒惰,很坏脾气。我不值得您喜欢……我已经很尽力在不伤害您的情况下拒绝您了,我真的很努力。要知道当时的我,是无比的害怕,我从来没想过有人会想我告白,怕倒我直飚冷汗……

岂知,您说您不是因为我完美才喜欢上我的,既然喜欢上了就会不计一切包容。我的妈啊~您难道就不懂我的苦心吗?我可是想了很久才想到方才的拒绝词!婉转的推辞话,我不断地说,可是,您又不断地进攻!!!我很累了~我始终不敢伤害您,幼稚的想法,又再次油然而生,我真的很想就此不睬您了。反正,我都毕业了,应该不会再见到您了,就算见到了,那我假装看不见你就好了。以前我也是这样避开另一位学长的!他在楼梯口出现,我就在另个楼梯口跑出去。我很爱逃避,我承认!

所幸,亲爱的章荣出现了。我sms他,问他我应该怎么做。(第一次时我曾经告诉他)他竟然义不容辞的帮我~感动。他叫我等他一会儿,他这就上线。天知道,当时已经生凌晨两点钟了,他竟然那么帮忙我,实在让我太爱他了~

我告诉章荣,我想就此block您,从此不再见面。反正我们俩的生活也不见得会有什么交际点。但是章荣阻止了我。他说,逃避,只会让两人伤得更重。他说我会失去您这位朋友。虽然当时我说,我并不在乎您,失去了也没关系。(对此,我被章荣骂了一顿;对此,我对您深感抱歉)他说,我应该勇敢面对,被人喜欢不是错。他要我勇敢,不要做胆小鬼!他要我将您说的都告诉他,然后他再帮我回复,狠狠的拒绝。

我其实不太赞成他的狠心。毕竟我不想那么伤害您。但是,章荣说若不狠心,就很难斩断这段情了,短暂的伤痛是值得的。我没有选择,我相信章荣。我和章荣都是辩论队的,初二就一块辩论了。我相信辩论的技巧我俩都不相上下,但是此刻,我的辩论技巧似乎完全派不上用场。我完全丧失了辩论的技巧。真的,多亏了章荣,虽然他真的很狠。狠到……第一次看见他那么狠,真的!

学长,您似乎真的喜欢错人了。我好像真的没有对您有其他的意思。您是很好的人,您会找到您的挚爱的。(别再说您已经找到了,我就是您的挚爱,那是骗话)当时的我真的很幼稚,虽然现在的我也一样幼稚。当时没能好好的回应您我很抱歉,对于当时的我,我很抱歉,一切一切,都很抱歉!你一定会找到您的挚爱的,我相信^^不要那么焦急哦~当然,那个人不是我!

学长,我真的不想那么狠心的!相信我,但是谁叫您告诉我您很大可能回来UCSI读书?您可知道,我多努力适应了您的存在?好不容易才UNBLOCK回您,您竟然告诉我这个噩耗!很对不起,我想BLOCK的按钮蠢蠢欲动了~今年,真的不要遇见您为妙~

PS:将字变成黑色是不想别人那么轻易看见!读得到的朋友们,是跟这故事有缘吧~

PS:我真的很感激章荣拔刀相助~ 真得越来越爱你了拉!!希望咱永远友情不变!至于学长,真的还是想说抱歉。想想,都没有正式的对您说抱歉~再次,深深地献上我无限的歉意…对不起!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

泪狂奔 · 逍遥叹

听秋风 吹起遍地叶落
萧瑟之中 回荡沉默问候
才疯过 在那荒凉战业之中 
曾留下些什麼

朦胧中却听见 遥远的天边
歌颂著爱恋
穿越云雾的月 你给的从前
千年以前的心碎
泪狂奔不悔 冻结所有思念
阵雨在蔓延 浇灭谁的誓言
回首尽是叹 盼的我都忘了伤
还在我身上狂妄

不后悔爱的疯狂...


                                                                                     (一)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
岁月难得沉默 秋风厌倦漂泊
夕阳赖着不走 挂在墙头 舍不得我
昔日伊人耳边话 已和潮声向东流
再回首 往事也随枫叶一片片落
 
爱已走到尽头 恨也放弃承诺
命运自认幽默 想法太多由不得我
壮志凌云几分愁 知己难逢几人留
再回首 却闻笑传醉梦中
 
笑叹词穷 古痴今狂终成空
刀钝刃乏 恩断义绝梦方破
路荒遗叹 饱览足迹没人懂
多年望眼欲穿过 红尘滚滚 我没看透
 
自嘲墨尽 千情万怨英杰愁
曲终人散 发华鬓白红颜殁
烛残未觉 与日争辉徒消瘦
当泪干血盈眶涌 白雪纷飞 都成空

                                                                       (二)

随缘· 情与愁

爱情,我从来就不相信这门事~ 你越是相信,越是期待,你就越受伤!我不是圣人,我更不是看破红尘的女子,说我对爱情没有期待是假的。所幸,我在爱情这方面比较理性,当我个感觉到有一点不对劲,我会狠下心来,斩断它!

对,受伤的是我自己,但是至少不会太重!狮子座是很坚强,但是也容易受伤。我不想看到自己受伤的面孔,狠下心来,受轻伤,是值得的。在自己爱上他之前,让自己彻底失望,对他不抱有任何期望。就能杜绝一切的蔓生~剪断一切思念,不要藕断丝连!就不会有心碎的时候……

傻?不…不傻,真的。我看过太多失败的例子,我不想自己也是哪个失败的例子。说我怕输我也认了。我情愿一辈子做他的好朋友,也不愿失去它。我不想成为那些失恋后要生要死的人,我不想被人看见我狼狈的样子。我没有信心自己能在失恋后完好无伤,我不想赌,我选择放弃!

无种?对,我认。我从来没有要人家来认同我的想法,或许,或许,有天,那位它,会改变我的想法,或许,我也会有说:“不后悔爱得疯狂”的那每一天。
一切,都须随缘~

Sunday, January 24, 2010

confidence? sorry

Recently, i really got no mood. I don't know why, i wish i can know it too but i just cant. When playing and fooling with friend around, i have fun. I can forget what troubling me, seriuosly. That is why recently i keep going out with my friends.

I actually always lack of confidence, im not sure whether they like me to join them or not. They seems like a big family and i was like a stranger, or just a far relative comes to visit them. They do treat me nice, although some will play trick on me. I dont really care too much when they teasing me. It is not that i enjoy teasing by them but at least at that moment i feel closer to them. Not just a stranger .

I quite scare they will not happy with my appearance. I scare they didnt show out they black face just because i am close with the two girls that thay all adore. I scare i spoilt their atmosphere. I know i think too much but that is me. i used to think too much.

Nevertheless, i really do enjoy going out with them. Honestly, i am quite happy. Dont know why, just happy~ it is because of fun? I feel like im being myself there although sometime i also got act a bit. They are like my secondary schoolmates, i can actually crazy with them unlike when i mix with another group. Im still not sure whether they accept me or not but i have to thank to them for bringing much fun to me. Love you guys....^^

PS: i will try my best to mix with you guy~ but most important is, i need to 'upgrade' my confidence level. In front of many people, i seems like very mature, understanding and confidence. but in fact isn't. I will still have childish thoughts, i am timid and lack of self confidence. I love myself but i guess is time for me to alter myself. wish me all the best~

Friday, January 22, 2010

lenka say trouble is a friend; i say friend is a trouble

I guess i reach the maximum....I really cannot stand it anymore...At first when i know her, i thought she is kind but now i realised i was absolutely wrong! Totally wrong! I always knw that i will have a wrong impression over someone, everytime i think she or he is kind, later he or she will turn out to be evil. This time, god doesn't play an exception. I met a devil once again.

I really thought she is very kind, I really treat her damn nice at first. trying to help her, to comfort her, to do what i can to help her. i knew, later my obsession had reduced, but i still treat her very nice. i told her all my stuff, told her every single personal thing till later she use it to satirize me. you gonna say i deserve it, is it? Why should i treat a stranger so nice?

Do you know what, last time she is still quite kind. At least not too bad. but now she is like adding up her evilness. She really think i easy to be bullied is it? I everytime tolerated with her is not because of i scare her...is just because i don't want to create any problems. But i really Cant stand it. She recently think she is very 'geng', dare to fight with us already.

I had told her many times that when peple ask me questions, sometimes i will treat them very bad. Is really very bad. I will scold her. During exam time, i already dont have much time to study and yet she keep asking me some silly question that i had answered her before. almost every queston i explained to her before when trial. On one morning, i really dont feel like teaching her i really got no time to study already. I just cant understand why she keep asking, cant she felt that i already not so willing to answer her? she still ask more and more and request for more. Sweat, then i told her i want to study. i got no time to study already. i know my tone will be a bit angry but it is normal for a student that havent finish their study. She turn out to be very angry. emo la. who scare u ? u got ask another poeple la. Most of the time i depend on myself.

then she shut my laptop on the next night, i guess so.is acidentally. that's why i actually not so angry about it. what i angrry is what she said later. Because i didnt bring my wire extension here, i got to use hers. She said if i dare then dont use her wire extension la. Well Well, the following days i really didnt touch her wire extension. So what? i can use the plug outside. I charged my phone outside. I got lot word inside my minds but i just keep it inside my heart. i dont want to say it out is because i dont even have the feel to quarrel. Damn sad right?

IF i dare to not use her wire extension, is it she dare not place her wire extension beneath my table? is she dare not to charge her phone under my table, producing the radiation shoting towards me. her wire extension is definitely not enough long, if din't place beneath my table then she can never use hers wire extenxion. all these things i don't want to say only. it is not because of i dare not to voice out, just i dont feel like there is a need to say out.

i really plan not to talk to her. then she said sorry to me and kept talked to me. I guess im quite soft hearted, that's why i didnt manage to do what i planned. Later, she didnt eat breakfast, she want use to accompany her to eat lunch on 11 am..crazy is it? that day got exam, chem 2 somemore. of course i dont want. who ask her not to eat breakfast? i dont want to eat,another girl also dont want to eat. how can she forced us to go out eat. we just kept quiet. then she was like a roared lion, shout, can i used shouted, yes, i can. she shouted want to eat or not? i very hungry.

Oh man, why should we sacrify our future for ur meal? then finally reach 12 something, i got ask her whether she want to go out ot eat or not? i had to say that, i'm really kind. dont know why,i dont have the responsibility to accompany her but just because im too kind, i scare she will too hungry till she stomachache....i mean gastric. but he already ask another girl to accompany her to go out .that moment is already about 12 30pm. i and another girl almost need to go out to eat. She try to become emo, asked her friend to accompany her to eat then just ask. but this made me feel very uncomfortable. i will feel that since you already got that friend, then just ask her la. Besides everytime i ask her to go to library she will always ask that frend to go out with her. It's fine. that will just made me feel like not asking her to go to library again. I dont want other feel like i follow them to go library.

If she so like that girl, then why she told me about her bad things. sometime i will wonder whether will she told her friend about my stuff...i know mostly got. and yet she ask me not to tell others. Actually i tahan this for long time. she is very sensitive. everytime she sms to me, i got to reply her. but when i sms her, she need not sms back to me. when i dont feel like sms back to her, she will show dark face.and even when another girl treat me better, she will envy. Gosh~ this just made me want to treat that girl better.then if we dont care about her, then she will run out from ths home and stay at another friend home. iknow she will say many bad thing about us to them. If i really want to ask her about this, most probably she will say no ar~ she will sure say "wo mei you"

As u know, i quite care bout study, then she always say like study not important, she dont understand why we so care about study. then do i ever questioned her why she say study not important. Seriously damn blurr.Everytimewhen i read or look at somethings quite different from her, then she will ask me to lend her.It is not the problems or lending, is just i wish if i lend to you, then u will lend back to me. but she didnt. the stuff the senior gave her she didnt lend us or let us read. i know i because the senior problems but ....haiz... actually that notes to very special also as i already read it long time before. i even got that copy and most of my classmates got it.

I dont know la, i just want to expressed it out. i maybe will take this easy, and pretend nothing happen but everything will change. i know. just now she also think she very hebat. Bang door la, who cares, i just be silence, u emo, i wont care for you, cause no mood for me to care u.hit table so what? say im degil, i admit. then  so what? i really dont care much already, scream as loud as you can, i wont care. im immuned. Everytime when i told you thing about that boy gangs stuff, you will just show irritating face. you dislike them but i like them. ya, they are a bit irritating sometime but they are not bad. they are all kind boy, i believe deep in their heart is kindness. But u always say u dont want to listen to their stuff but at that moment i was talking to another girl, just gossiping, you dont want to listen is your matter.

i actually dont planning to organised a birthday party for you. but as friend, i stand it first.i organised it while i still reading chem. but u seems like dont appreciate it. Say what your mood is bad. so what? really so what? i really damn frustrated. she like to talk about my personal stuff to other including guy. this is what i dont like. do i ever told other who she like? and the personal thing is really very damn personal. i didnt show any expression when she told other, but deep in my heart,the hurt is made. I wish i can be cruel.

she said another girl too stress and crying made her so stress. she dislke it. thn why she cry in front of me? is it im made from metal? i dont know.........seriously!!!

friend is such a unknown things for me....

PS:later, as i post something on facebook , she asked me to tell her what happening.She said sorry but many things is not sorry can solved. seriously. and i seriously no mood to tell her what is going on yet she forced me to say. I dont know how will this thing will go on, i dont have the mind to think about it.

PS: i found out, soon or later, i will not believe anyone, i mean friend. In ucsi, i really just have few nice friends. And these friends are all the friends i not so like at first. Got one girl, at first i do like her very much, but i never thought she talk the bad things about me behind me. i can never guess it till recently another people told me. Now is still good to her but, i know somethings had changed. the chemical between us wont be so reactive.